Once upon a time, somewhere in the wide world, someone signed me up for Women's Health Magazine.
I still haven't the foggiest idea who.
But nevertheless, the magazine comes to my mailbox once a month, and once a month I sit down at the table with a bowl of something expressly unhealthy, and thumb through it. I'm usually mildly interested in what I find, and sometimes even inspired by it--though heaven forbid I should ever be so inspired as to forfeit my frozen pizza addiction.
This month, though, was different. This month I came face to face with my fate.
And that was this: I am bound to die at a young age, but mercifully live the whole of my short life free of Type-2 Diabetes.
Because, according to Women's Health, there is "approximately a 25 percent decrease in the risk of developing Type-2 Diabetes if you drink three or four cups of coffee each day".
*Loud, whooping cheer*
I learned that I shouldn't get too excited.
Because I soon discovered that there is an "18 percent increase in your risk of early death from heart disease for each hour you typically spend in front of a computer every day".
Now, assuming Women's Health really knows its stuff, I'm not the only one who's doomed. Writers across the world had better be saying their farewells, because 18 percent per hour is a pretty heavy sentence for anyone who has ever written more than 50,000 words. (I'm wondering how that adds up. Would that be 36 percent for every two hours? Or does the math translate differently? I've never been much of a numbers girl.)
I suppose I should be dying any minute now. And probably, so should you. But at least we'll die with the freedom to eat sugar.
In other news, Ophelia's eyes are getting distinctly more crossed. Not that it makes her any less lovable, but it is increasingly difficult to tell what direction she's looking. Canine corrective lenses?